Golden rules for finding your life partner (long but very important read)

[kulata]

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects
of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing
a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close
to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach
to finding Mr./Ms.Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically
correct, there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then
the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone.
You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a
long time to live with someone. What do you plan to Do with each other all that time? Travel,
eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need
a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you
can Grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage
work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line-and marry someone who
wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the
Core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with
this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - I.e. trust that I won't get "punished"
or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive
person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest
with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some
suggestions: A) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
(B) Are they serious about improving themselves?(or do they keep on telling you that they'll never change)
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing."
So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time?
(c)Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is
character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are
dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose
goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need
to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship
work is the Ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves
and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom
they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc.
How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they gossip
and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others.
You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married? Too many people
make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're
married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after
marriage ...for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are
not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as
Objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to
the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger,
you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.



Another perspective...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you
can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative,
incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones
discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have
drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality,
respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for
you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry,
close one eye." Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust,
desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you
blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change
someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet-peeves
and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow
and evolve, you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.
You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams,
weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have
decided to share a life together. Neither one of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each
other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other,
or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust,
past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you
or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you
won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible
for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the ingredients
of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, and security
are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect,
dishonesty and pain will replace the passion.

[ndi_amaka]

Now this is the sort of thing we need in the R&R forum. Thanks. I'm gonna cut and save this to my desktop and read it everytime I meet a guy that I thinkmight be the One.

[dasugo]

too long. synopsis pls..




















nice one, I copied and pasted it. Sad thing is that most folks are too ADHD to read this and learn from it..

[Odogwu]

na african wey write this 4 sure
the first line gave it away WE DON"T MARRY FOR LOVE.

I so agree.
points made makes sence.

[Funred55]

Nice!! reminds me of some other things I've been reading lately.... Gosh, if folks got it together like this, there would be a lot less unhappy unions.

Good Stuff!!

[MIprincess]

Absolutely refreshinG!!!

[MizzX]

much truth

[G0d_father]

6 Billion thumbs up!

[specialk]

unbelievably true!

[Oderah]

Originally posted by MIprincess
Absolutely refreshinG!!!

you can say that again.

[Ebonie]

Much truth, I am copying and sending it to my friend.

[ConDuctor]

excellent stuff.

[thinkingman]

unfortunately many people will just pay lip service to this post. You have done teh least you can do which is post it.

Cheers

[Turums]

WOW. No wonder I'm not yet married. I've been doing the right thing.

Lol.

Trying to be funny.


Good advice though. I'm copying this and giving it to all my single friends.

[blackbeautyngr]

Soooooooo true.