So, I'm a bad guy

[Boss]

I've been seeing this girl for a couple of years now, good girl and all. We've been through out ups and downs. And we still going. But recently it's been one issue she's been trying to raise with me. The whole marriage thing, tying it down to her.

Not to say I've not had a pleasant experience witnessing a married couple as dysfunctional as my folks were. Daddy left and slept with other women and drank and came home to beat mummy. Mummy used that aggression on us, but you can imagine her anger when daddy left.

Now I'm a grown man, working as an intern and in grad school. I've seen my share of friends walk the aisle especially in the past few months. I've seen some friends celebrate their anniversaries, have kids, weddings etc. And yes, I feel old and I feel I should settle down but I don't need her to rush me.

And no, it's not that I'm not trying to settle down. I never subscribed to the notion of sowing my oats. Most girl friends I have always say I'm different because I'm not really trying to dig into every hole that throws itself at me. Not that I have grown out of it, I was never that way to begin with. I was looking for solid relationships when my friends were looking for smashes.

But now I'm with this one girl that I actually love. Do I want to spend my life with her? I think so. We've been together for this long but I don't feel I should rush to get married to her. Not that I've deceived her this long, we both knew we were in a committed relationship but I don't want to jump the gun. Something about some of these girls and marriage. I hope it's not a case of peer pressure since in her words she's getting old, and I know for a fact that most of her girl friends are already engaged or about to get married and such. I hope it's not the concept of a wedding either, coz I know a lot of folks who had it rough after the rush of the wedding when they got the hint of what marriage is really all about. I just want us to take it easy before we get there. I don't think there's a rush, but the way the relationship has been going, it seems she's giving me an ultimatum.

My homeboy at work just called off his engagement. He said basically a lot of things changed after the engagement, more fights, more friction, he just had to call it off. While we were on that subject, some girl at work told us most relationships that last 2-4 years without any solid ring on one person's finger usually ends up failing.

I hope she doesn't come out and explicitly ask me to get engaged with her, I'm not yet ready for that. Like I said, I have things to do, and if she looks deep down, she has a lot of growing to do as well. We both are not ready now. But if she does give me that ultimatum, and I say no. and she says she's leaving me like i'm sure her useless friends are suggesting to her, then I
have no choice than to tell her bye.

I might try to talk her out of it, I mean I do love her. But at the same time, when her mind is set, I don't think my pleas of reason would work.

I guess that'd make me the bad guy then....i guess,

[mel]

These sturves are not usually clearcut.

Usually, I ask " do you see yourself marrying her at all"?. That kinda answers your fears and will go a long way.

Then, again...(pardon usage..lol) if a lady wants to get married and you are not, the friction almost makes the relationship unworkable in so many ways.

I think I will explain my reasons to her, letting her know that I understand her but that marriage is best entered into when both parties are ready for it.

Most times, ladies ask for a break in such situations. Advice here, is do not dwell on the break up part. For whatever you say in that regards will be used against you if theres a later point in the relationship. Rather, dwell on all the good stuff u guys got going.

[Icegold]

first you need to ask yourself if she's the person you want with for the long haul. if your honest answer is yes how then can you contemplate breaking up with her?

You say you're not ready, but the key question is will you ever be ready? If the answer to that question is not yes(I think so and maybe = no), then it's time to make a clean break n not waste your time n her for the sake of comfort and security.