Questions about Marriage & Naija Culture - What's the norm?

[tee24eva]

If we're still on bf/gf levels, I won't buy gifts oo maybe I'll take a bottle of wine for the dad or somn, but gifts for everyone ke? wtf? in this economy???

Originally Posted by NaijaBred

and i've always felt it was a bit presumptuous to take gifts when visiting a boyfriend's family. i always feel as if they're laughing at me behind my back. like, this foolish girl thinks she's "in" because he brought her home. i probably feel this way cause i do the same to my brother's girlfriends.
also, do yoruba people frown upon girlfriend visiting boyfriend's houses, and vice versa? like if you're not official (which i have my own definition of that term) should you be visiting each other's houses? does it become more significant once u meet the folks?

[tee24eva]

Yes, you have to call.
"Mum, I'm just calling to say hello, to check up on you and daddy and stuffs. How is the week going? How's the family back home, etc? "Find out what her interests are and talk about that a lil bit...mothers are usually not hard to talk to..they'll find somn to say.

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

Question #7:
Let's say, your partner have taken you home to their folks officially to say they want to marry you. After you all that, and a bit of familiarity have been created between both families. Do you start calling his/her mom periodically? what do you say when you call. Any ice breaker ideas? Do you call his/her sibling/ waht do you say when you call...ice breaker ideas?

[tee24eva]

woman, wtf? lol
No, you both "CLEAR" out of the room and let his mother stay in the room. you can both sleep in the living room/toilet
Per air mattress...either of you sleep on it. Mother gets the bed. Dude, I hope you're joking about this sha

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

Question #8:
Let's say you and your serious relationship partner, fiance, spouse or whatever serious stage yall in, have moved in together and both share a one bedroom apt or like there's limited bedrooms or no guest rooms for people to stay. You and ur partner are still young and are still managing yourselves till you settle down -- yall get the idea with most young naija couples.
So let's say his/her mom comes to visit. Do you pull out a couch for ur partner's mom to sleep on? or do you give up your only bedroom and you and ur partner sleep on the couch?
Or let's say you buy the air mattrass, do you place the air mattrass on the living room floor for them to sleep on, or do you give up ur bed and u and ur partner sleep on the air-mattrass in the living room?

What's the right thing to do...in the naija perspective.
__
Note: please excuse my typos and mistakes. i don't reread my posts and i type fast. sorry...pls don't laugh. i see some tabons in my previous posts, so don't remind me plix.

[tee24eva]

No, not in this economy. Whatever you fiance gets for his family is from you both. Shikena.
You cant run broke cos you want to make a family happy nah

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

Question 9:
Christmas comes knocking. You and ur fiance/spouse/serious partner or whatever stage where you've become familiar with your partner's relatives. You will be seeing them around this time, do you buy his/her younger siblings and mom/dad a christmas gift?

[tee24eva]

This is a hard one. You can't tell his mother not to visit her son.

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

As per Question 1:
Since most people say it's the girl's mom that stays.
What if the boy's mom comes, and wants to stay an extended stay...and you don't want her to stay, either your mom is there or not: You don't want her to stay cos you are not very comfortable with her yet. Is it okay to say you'd rather that she doesn't stay. How do you make this known? Tell your man? How does the man tell his mom?

Or do you just swallow it and allow her stay and do whatever she wants with ur new baby and u can remain miserable?

[tee24eva]

interesting. never heard of that

Originally Posted by bored

[Naija POV] Worrahell are you doing living together if y'all aint married? If you try this runz, then his mom shouldnt know you live together. When she visits, move all your stuff out and go and stay in your friends house till she leaves (I know 2 couples doing this )
Now if you are married, yes o, better go and buy one of those nice Air mattresses that come up as high as a bed or a futon. You do not give up your marital bed for ANYONE. You just make sure she is as comfortable as you possibly can in whatever space you find for her. [/Naija POV]

[Adachi]

its not required jare esp when the sibling is older or una no eve close at all self. my sis in law tried this with me talking about can you be my bridesmaid..and I old pass the girl oh

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

Question 4. Is it normal or required that you make his sister(s) your bridemaid (or his brother ur groomsman if male) when you are getting married. If you are not friends with them, i.e. you didn't know his/her sibling before you met your partner. Is it required that yall use each other's sibling in your wedding party?

[Arokoyo]

Originally Posted by tee24eva

guys parents have to call first. shebi its their family that wants to ask for the other family's daughter in marriage??? this one is a no brainer now. Wait, did you grow up in naija at all?

I am an ajebutter chic
but why do i think u know this already?

okay...see
some of the questions are not necessarily for me or related to me.
i know people that won't even have an idea at all, so i wanted to cover any questions everyone might have regarding "settling down...the naija way"
so people know what to prepare for.
Some people think all the stress ends when you get serious/engaged...lol that's when pressure begins! and happiness is being put under fire.

[seen]

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

Naija man and woman. Newly weds, delivers a child.
Is it required or is it the norm that the 2 inlaws come for your first baby?
Is it the norm that one of the mothers must stay for at least 3 months when your first baby is born to help you?
Who stays? Or which one is more common, husband's mother or wife's mother?


___________
Note: This is not about me oh, they are just random questions that i always wonder about.
More questions to come. Feel free to ask or answer questions please. Share ur thoughts. Need to know some things.

I am not Nigerian but I will answer from a Ghanaian perspective to give some diversity...The two inlaws/extended families do not come for the baby-only the woman's side because in Akan culture the child does not belong to the husband/or his extended family. However, in modern day the line is blurring.

Since the child belongs to the woman's side of the family-it is more common for her mother to come and stay. Theory- she and her family have gained a new addition to the family that needs to be catered to. Second, the bonds of mother/daughter presume she come and be with the new mother.

[seen]

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

Question 4. Is it normal or required that you make his sister(s) your bridemaid (or his brother ur groomsman if male) when you are getting married. If you are not friends with them, i.e. you didn't know his/her sibling before you met your partner. Is it required that yall use each other's sibling in your wedding party?

Hmmm...it is not customary, but to avoid much talk I think atleast one of them should be in the wedding even if you are not close to them.

[seen]

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

AnotherQuestion before i go eat

Question 6:
Naija boy like naija girl. They've decided they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Naija girl has met his parents/family unofficially, they all like her. Naija boy has met her parents/family unofficially, they all like him. Now, both partners have decided it time to start making preparations: The couple's parents have not met and never spoken. For example, they live in different state or cities or even countries.

Who calls who. Which parents calls first. Which parents visit each other first. What is the scheme of things?
Tell me your experience or what you've seen happen. I just want to know what most naija people do.

From what I have seen among Ghanaians, the male visits the female family first because he will be asking for her hand in marriage, and presumely he needs to make the good impression to the female family. The female family should not be the one seeking out his family. From what I know, the mother of the male will reach out to the female's mother and the female's mother will then reach out to the mother AND father of the male's family and the father/mother of the male will reach out to the female's father (at this point you know marriage is 100%) inevitable.

[GURU]

lol@arokoyo onidi runrun

[Arokoyo]

Originally Posted by GURU

lol@arokoyo onidi runrun

sharap!

[Arokoyo]

Originally Posted by tee24eva

Yes, you have to call.
"Mum, I'm just calling to say hello, to check up on you and daddy and stuffs. How is the week going? How's the family back home, etc? "Find out what her interests are and talk about that a lil bit...mothers are usually not hard to talk to..they'll find somn to say.

Good idea!
Im def. learning alot from this thread.
I can even apply this to random family members that i call but could never figure what to say.
Tee24eva, how about i practise it on you...let me call you

[Murewa]

haha, nice one Aroks. @ catwheel over flower pot!!

our culture can be too much atimes... buhaha overboard with everything, you knw how many times I say "ma" greeting an older woman! chei... just so they won't find anything to say

In the kind of culture I grew up in (yoruba-christian home):
1. Girl's mother stays, other mother will come and go every few months... but my grandma was always the one that stayed when I was born and my other sibles (i guess dat also explains why we're closer to her than the other mother growing up).
2. It is not compulsory to buy for all, you can buy something that everyone will be able to enjoy together ... like tee said, in this economy? abeg. Take fowl, goat meat, wine or something along psssh
3. It is absolutely expected that you will not cross ya legs and they wait on you... you had better be in there with them oo, even if u ain't doing shit just respect urself and watch them if anything... point is you shd be in there with them. Even if they say no sit there... at least try and do one thing (set the table or bring out the drink). befor u know it, u'r not well-trained niyen ooo
4. Well it might be expected, but you don't have to if you don't want to.. .like csc said, make them do something else *but sha I'll be highly upset if i had an older bro and his wifey doesn't invite me to her train... rubbish! *
5. this one cracked me up! somersaulting hehe... pele Yea u shda called within the week not necessarily next day but that wk and say hello and throw in a thank you for the aso ebi. BUHAHAHA this one is really really funny.
6. Boy's familiks of course. No ifs or buts... they're the one seeking girl's hand in marriage.
7. wat tee2eva said
8. If you're married, they won't come to visit niyen o, no place for you to sleep sorry...wait till I get a 2 bedroom flat, shooo. And if you must come and visit, come but you had better have somewhere else to stay. If u'r not married... abeg pack ur shyt and go stay at a friend's place till they're gone dat's wahala to some parents oo.
9. If you have the money it'll be nice to get everyone something. Sha cut your coat to ur size... if you can't afford alladat refer yourself to #2.
10. Oh there's no 10