Divorce in our parent's age

[shakara]

I spoke to a friend of mine this past weekend who was upset cuz it looks like her parents are on their way to a divorce and their dad has moved out the family home into an apartment..... and shes devastated.... her sister on the other hand stated that she wished they had done it waaay sooner and had actually been trying for years to have their mother leave their father (not because of abuse or anything) just because of his old school ideologies and control..... anyway, I guess the dad is the one who pulled the plug .. ..

I have another friend whose parents broke up in naija when he was a teeneager and the mom vowed that their dad would not see the kids ever again... and she kept them away from him.. but when they graduated high school, she sent them to go live with him....

heck, even my mom's parents were divorced when she was a kid (my grandma left my grandfather cuz his family was maltreating her) and when she came back several mnths later to steal my mom and her bro.... she hid them in a box and boarded a bus with them....
a couple of mnths later tho', my granpa's pple came to take the kids back and there was nothing she could do about it......


Anyway, I always used to think that divorce in naija was an anathema and i alsmost felt like it was an abomination.. and it wasn't at all common ... but in talking to more and more pple i have found that quite a few pple were products of broken homes when they were growing up in naija ....for the pple whose parents were divorced when they were growing up or are now divorced, How did you handle it? what was ur understanding? how was visitation worked out?

[Drake]

I think seperation is more common. Either way I think Nigerians handle it better because the strain of it is less transmitted to the kids than over here. You rarely hear of either party skipping out on their commitments to the children one way or another.

[NaijaMafia]

I dunno drake, I seen a lotta stories of guys skipping out of commitments, and we all know child support & alimony laws are close to non-existent in Naija.

[Boss]

lol...funny people.

[shakara]

Originally Posted by Drake

I think seperation is more common. Either way I think Nigerians handle it better because the strain of it is less transmitted to the kids than over here. You rarely hear of either party skipping out on their commitments to the children one way or another.

In separation cases though, i think the women never re-married or more of a stigma when they re-marry and the dudes were free to re-marry all willy-nilly....

I have heard stories also of dad's that just kinda abandoned the kids... no monetary support or anything.... while he went on to re-marry and live posh with his new family.....while his other kids are living near poverty....

[shakara]

true story sef... here in the US too

one of my brother's friends .. their dad took up with a younger woman and left his wife and 4 kids to fend for themselves. did not drop one panny for support of his kids..... their mom was struggling soo hard and i remeber my mom sending her money on a couple of occasions so she could pay rent/mortgage.... etc. and their dad lived in the same damn city as they did in a big house too with his new wife ......
besides the oldest kid who was my bro's classmate in undergrad, the other kids developed behavior issues and were always in trouble......and the father just turned his back... that is until the day oldest son graduated from Yale (which scholership paid for ) come and see the dad and his family bragging and gassing himself up on his accomplishment of producing a yale graduate son.... the mom had to be taken away for a while from the proceedings because she damn near had a breakdown .....

[Arokoyo]

My mom went thru alot as a kid
Her parents divorced when she was 8 years old, she was the only child at the time (she had a younger brother that died ) and both remarried shortly after. Her stepfather was the meanest man ever - i knew this guy and he wasn't easy to get along with even when we visited grandma.
Her stepmother was something else, treated her like an animal when her dad wasn't around. She had the best father tho. He stood up for her alot and made sure she had all she wanted but he wasn't always around - he was a hustler and travelled alot, so she was often left with stepmother. She often ran away from home and hitch-hiked alot around 9-14 years old. Getting picked up by strangers on trucks or just humping and hiding in a truck until they could lift her to the next town where a family member lived. She moved from house to house, family-to-family. One stranger picked her up and took her to her dad's friends house, she stayed with his family for a while and he fed her well until he was able to take her to her grandmother's village (which was quite a distance). Then she started to stay with her grandma...and things got better until mama became sick...and another phase of suffering began. But grandma got better and put her in boarding house and her dad came to visit her there

[pebbles]

It seem like it doesn't affect the kids cos the kids never really talk about it. You are expected to accept it and get used to it. Also it’s usually one parent that gets the sole custody of the kids.

Originally Posted by Drake

I think seperation is more common. Either way I think Nigerians handle it better because the strain of it is less transmitted to the kids than over here. You rarely hear of either party skipping out on their commitments to the children one way or another.

[non-conformist]

My parent's were separated in '96 and divorced in '98/99. Separation was waaaay more common then. I remember getting asked, "Divorced? Not separated?" I would smile and say, "No. Divorced."


How did I handle it? I have three sisters with amazing resilience... and outstanding, outstanding humor.

[pebbles]

I have heard too many stories like from Nigerians. It's really sad.

Originally Posted by shakara

true story sef... here in the US too

one of my brother's friends .. their dad took up with a younger woman and left his wife and 4 kids to fend for themselves. did not drop one panny for support of his kids..... their mom was struggling soo hard and i remeber my mom sending her money on a couple of occasions so she could pay rent/mortgage.... etc. and their dad lived in the same damn city as they did in a big house too with his new wife ......
besides the oldest kid who was my bro's classmate in undergrad, the other kids developed behavior issues and were always in trouble......and the father just turned his back... that is until the day oldest son graduated from Yale (which scholership paid for ) come and see the dad and his family bragging and gassing himself up on his accomplishment of producing a yale graduate son.... the mom had to be taken away for a while from the proceedings because she damn near had a breakdown .....

[shakara]

Originally Posted by Arokoyo

My mom went thru alot as a kid
Her parents divorced when she was 8 years old, she was the only child at the time (she had a younger brother that died ) and both remarried shortly after. Her stepfather was the meanest man ever - i knew this guy and he wasn't easy to get along with even when we visited grandma.
Her stepmother was something else, treated her like an animal when her dad wasn't around. She had the best father tho. He stood up for her alot and made sure she had all she wanted but he wasn't always around - he was a hustler and travelled alot, so she was often left with stepmother. She often ran away from home and hitch-hiked alot around 9-14 years old. Getting picked up by strangers on trucks or just humping and hiding in a truck until they could lift her to the next town where a family member lived. She moved from house to house, family-to-family. One stranger picked her up and took her to her dad's friends house, she stayed with his family for a while and he fed her well until he was able to take her to her grandmother's village (which was quite a distance). Then she started to stay with her grandma...and things got better until mama became sick...and another phase of suffering began. But grandma got better and put her in boarding house and her dad came to visit her there

Was it a formal divorce? like did they have to file paperwork for dissolution back then????

as per ur mom.. that sucks. my mom's story is pretty similar except that the aggressor was her own grandmother who made her life hell and treated her and her brothers worse than animals.... she was six when her mother left and had to take care of her sickly 2 yr old brother and 5 yr old bro- bather them, feed them etc. they used to sleep on the bare dirt/mud floor behind the door... we went to the house once and u could see the groove/indention in the ground she made where she and her brothers would burrow like animals trying to sheild themselves from the rain and leaky roof....

[pebbles]

Was there a reason why her grandma was so mean?

Originally Posted by shakara

Was it a formal divorce? like did they have to file paperwork for dissolution back then????

as per ur mom.. that sucks. my mom's story is pretty similar except that the aggressor was her own grandmother who made her life hell and treated her and her brothers worse than animals.... she was six when her mother left and had to take care of her sickly 2 yr old brother and 5 yr old bro- bather them, feed them etc. they used to sleep on the bare dirt/mud floor behind the door... we went to the house once and u could see the groove/indention in the ground she made where she and her brothers would burrow like animals trying to sheild themselves from the rain and leaky roof....

[shakara]

Originally Posted by non-conformist

My parent's were separated in '96 and divorced in '98/99. Separation was waaaay more common then. I remember getting asked, "Divorced? Not separated?" I would smile and say, "No. Divorced."


How did I handle it? I have three sisters with amazing resilience... and outstanding, outstanding humor.

Was it a formal divorce? how was the news given to you kids about what was happening???


personally for me, for the longest time, i felt ashamed and even till today, only my close friends know that my parents are divorced (u don't know how hard that was to type)

[~Zeta~]

me i just say my dad is in lagos....sefini......simple nobody asks me anything after that.

dudes been seperated since i recall ...haven't seen ol'dude since i graduated highschool....

it's weird cause i'm supposed to have this ANGER towards him.....but i really don't....i still love him

[shakara]

Originally Posted by pebbles

Was there a reason why her grandma was so mean?

she didn't like my grandma (her daughter-in-law) from get and was against the union..... my granpa was overseas most of the time and my grandma was left to fend for herself with her inlaws, esp. her evil mother in law and after she left, I guess the mother-inlaw decided to take it out on the children..... some of the things my mom went thru makes me cry still to this day when she tells the story..... she basically had no childhood....and sometimes used to have to beg for food to feed herself and her brothers..... while her grandmother was eating well....